Society outsources casting to National Lottery balls in bid to make process completely fair

THE FABRICATED Players have replaced traditional auditions with National Lottery balls after concluding that numbered plastic spheres are less likely to show favouritism.

The society introduced the system following years of complaints that the same people kept getting the best roles.

Chair Melissa said: “We wanted a casting process that was transparent, impartial and completely free from personal relationships.

“Unfortunately none of us felt qualified to operate one, so we bought a lottery machine.”

Under the new system, every member interested in a production is assigned a numbered ball.

Roles are then drawn live in the Green Room under the supervision of the director, two committee members and Brian, who turns the machine on.

The system was trialled this week for the society’s Christmas pantomime.

Ball 17 was drawn for Widow Twankey.

Ball 17 belongs to Malcolm, 64, who cannot sing, has never acted before and is unavailable for every performance except the Saturday matinee.

Melissa said: “That’s democracy.”

Malcolm attempted to withdraw, explaining that he had only put his name down because he thought the numbers were for the raffle.

His withdrawal was rejected because it would undermine the integrity of the draw.

The role of Aladdin went to Ball 32, belonging to Mary from Front of House.

Mary said: “I didn’t audition.”

Melissa replied: “Exactly. Nobody did. That’s what makes it fair.”

The Genie was allocated to 78-year-old Brian, whose audition form previously stated that he did not want a large role, could not attend Tuesday rehearsals and needed to be sitting down whenever possible.

The committee said personal circumstances could not be allowed to influence an impartial process.

Meanwhile, the society’s strongest singer was cast as Second Villager.

She has one line.

It is “Look!”

Director Susan admitted the new system presented challenges but said she was excited to discover what production emerged.

“I had a fairly clear idea of what I wanted before the draw.

“I don’t anymore.”

Problems intensified when Ball 41 became trapped inside the machine during casting for the Emperor.

After 20 minutes of shaking, Brian removed the back panel with a screwdriver.

Ball 41 eventually emerged alongside Ball 6 and a dead wasp.

The committee ruled this a three-way recall.

The wasp won.

Melissa said the result would be honoured.

“We cannot start interfering just because the outcome is inconvenient.

“That’s how favouritism begins.”

Casting the chorus has proved equally controversial.

Because there are 23 ensemble members but only 20 balls available, three people have been designated Bonus Balls.

They may only appear if somebody in the main cast becomes unavailable.

One member complained that she had been attending the society for 27 years and deserved better than being a Bonus Ball.

Melissa said: “The balls don’t know how long you’ve been a member.

“That’s one of their greatest strengths.”

The committee has strongly denied allegations that the process can still be manipulated.

Members became suspicious after Melissa's daughter received the principal role in three consecutive draws.

Melissa explained that this was simply extraordinary luck.

A fourth draw was abandoned because the machine was “making a funny noise”.

The society is now considering expanding random selection into other areas.

Future directors could be chosen using numbered ping-pong balls, committee officers through a tombola and the Treasurer by whichever member correctly guesses how many pound coins are in a jar.

Melissa said the lottery system had restored confidence in casting.

“Nobody can claim roles are being handed to friends anymore.

“They’re being handed to people completely at random, regardless of talent, suitability or whether they actually want them.

“That’s equality.”

Rehearsals begin next Tuesday.

Widow Twankey has sent apologies.