The Fabricated Players - You couldn’t make it up. So we did.

THE FABRICATED Players have replaced traditional auditions with National Lottery balls after concluding that numbered plastic spheres are less likely to show favouritism. The society introduced the system following years of complaints that the same people kept getting the best roles. Chair Melissa said: “We wanted a casting process that was transparent, impartial and completely free from personal relationships. “Unfortunately none of us felt qualified to operate one, so we bo

Following an extensive governance review, the society’s Trustees will now officially be known simply as “Ees”. Chair Jenny said the change demonstrated the organisation’s commitment to openness. “We looked carefully at the word Trustee and realised the first five letters were making quite a significant claim. “We couldn’t find sufficient evidence to support it. “So we’ve removed them.” The society currently has four Ees, although nobody is entirely certain what an Ee does. Th

THE Fabricated Players have launched a new critical service reviewing the quality of reviews written about their productions after deciding some critics simply aren’t very good at criticism. The scheme began after local reviewer Peter Collins awarded the society’s latest production three stars and described it as “an enjoyable evening let down by uneven pacing and several questionable performances”. Within 24 hours, the Fabricated Players had published its own review of Peter

THE Fabricated Players have announced that their forthcoming production will employ a radical Brechtian aesthetic after nobody volunteered to spend six weekends building the set. Director Nicola unveiled the concept shortly after set manager Graham asked who was available on Sunday morning to construct a full Victorian drawing room and received no replies to his WhatsApp message. Nicola said: “We originally planned detailed period scenery with French windows, a fireplace and

THE Fabricated Players have been forced to dramatically shorten their modernised production of Blood Brothers after an Ancestry DNA test exposes its central secret before anyone has time to sing very much. Director Paula introduced consumer DNA testing to make Willy Russell’s musical more relevant to contemporary audiences. She said: “We asked what would genuinely happen if Mickey and Eddie were growing up today. “Unfortunately, the answer is that the entire plot would collap

THE Fabricated Players have introduced a rigorous three-stage recruitment process for the role of Widow Twankey after deciding that shouting “Hello boys and girls!” while wearing an enormous dress requires greater scrutiny. Candidates for the society’s forthcoming pantomime must now complete an initial audition, a competency-based interview and a ten-minute PowerPoint presentation explaining why they are the right person to run a fictional laundry. Director Angela said: “Wido

THE Fabricated Players have launched an ambitious new marketing strategy targeting people who have not yet been born in an attempt to secure the future of amateur theatre. The scheme was introduced after the society’s publicity team concluded that repeatedly advertising productions to the same 400 local Facebook users was producing “diminishing returns”. Publicity officer Amanda said: “Everyone talks about attracting younger audiences. “We’ve decided to get ahead of the compe

THE Fabricated Players have introduced a streamlined complaints procedure requiring members to raise concerns before the thing they are complaining about has actually happened. The committee says the new Pre-Emptive Complaints Policy will allow problems to be dealt with quickly and efficiently by ensuring nobody can complain about anything retrospectively. Chairwoman Jackie said: “We kept receiving complaints after incidents had taken place. “By that point, obviously, it was

AUDIENCES at the Fabricated Players’ latest production of Hamlet failed to realise the title role was being played by a cabbage until the final scene. The vegetable was drafted into the production just 48 hours before opening night after the original Hamlet withdrew following what director Margaret described as “creative differences, availability issues and an extremely long WhatsApp message”. With no understudy available, the society placed a cabbage in Hamlet’s costume and

A FABRICATED Players committee member has been forced to resign after members they were attempting to remove from the society unfairly discovered overwhelming evidence that they had broken the rules themselves. Social Secretary Judith stepped down on Tuesday after being confronted with emails, messages, meeting minutes and several documents containing what the committee has described as “an unnecessarily accurate account of events”. Judith said: “Obviously I accept that rules

THE Fabricated Players have announced a radical new interpretation of Macbeth in which Macbeth will not appear, after nobody suitable auditioned for the role. Director Susan insists the absence of Shakespeare’s central character is an intentional artistic decision designed to explore “the presence created by absence”. She said: “Macbeth dominates this play. “So I started asking myself: what happens if we remove Macbeth completely? “Admittedly, I started asking myself this abo

THE Fabricated Players have selected their Lady Macbeth through a penalty shootout after two actors received identical scores during an increasingly competitive audition process. The society introduced penalties after both Helen and Caroline finished auditions with 87 points each across acting ability, vocal technique, characterisation, movement and “general Lady Macbethness”. Director Simon said: “We considered asking them to perform the speeches again. “But at some point yo