Am-dram panel invents new ways to disguise fact they have cast all their mates

AN AMATEUR dramatics casting panel has unveiled a range of innovative new techniques for concealing the fact that every leading role has gone to one of their friends.

The Fabricated Players say their new “transparent and merit-based casting framework” will ensure every member has a completely equal opportunity to audition for parts that were privately allocated three weeks ago.

Casting panel member Catherine Mills said: “It’s absolutely not about who you know.

“It’s about suitability, chemistry, interpretation, vocal quality and whether you happened to spend Saturday night drinking Pinot Grigio with the director.”

Among the new measures is an anonymous audition process in which candidates perform behind a screen before announcing their name so the panel knows whether to bother taking notes.

The society has also introduced a detailed scoring system covering acting, singing, movement and “something we can mark Melissa higher on”.

Mills added: “Melissa simply gave the strongest audition. Admittedly she forgot half the song, came in on the wrong page and said she hadn’t actually read the play, but she has an indefinable quality.

“The quality is that we went to Tenerife with her.”

Unsuccessful auditionees will receive personalised feedback, including “we went in a different direction”, “you were almost too good for the role” and “we just felt Mark brought something special”, with nobody prepared to explain what Mark brought beyond owning a van.

The panel has strongly denied accusations of favouritism, pointing out that one minor role has been given to somebody none of them particularly likes.

Director Simon Jones said: “If we were just casting our friends, would we really have given Carol Third Villager?

“Exactly.”

The society has also established an independent appeals process overseen by the director’s wife, the chair’s best friend and Melissa.

Members questioning the results have been reminded that casting is “an incredibly difficult process” involving hours of agonising discussion before eventually arriving at exactly the cast list everyone predicted in the pub a month earlier.

The panel insists next year’s auditions will be even more transparent.

They have already congratulated Melissa on getting the lead.