Am-dram society looks to replace entire committee with the Clangers

THE Fabricated Players are considering replacing their entire committee with the Clangers after concluding that a group of knitted space mice communicating entirely through whistles would provide clearer leadership.

The proposal was raised following the society’s latest committee meeting, which lasted three hours and ended without anyone establishing whether they had agreed to buy a new kettle.

Chairman Malcolm said: “People might question whether the Clangers have the necessary experience to run an amateur dramatics society.

“But they live peacefully together on a tiny planet, solve problems through cooperation and can communicate complex ideas using six notes on a swanee whistle.

“They are already significantly overqualified.”

Under the proposed restructure, Major Clanger would become chairman, Mother Clanger secretary and Small Clanger treasurer.

The Soup Dragon would take responsibility for the bar.

Mary said: “Initially I was concerned about having a fictional extraterrestrial creature handling the accounts.

“Then I remembered what happened with the panto budget.”

Members believe the Clangers could significantly streamline committee meetings.

Instead of lengthy discussions in which Margaret says “I’m not being difficult” immediately before being difficult, Major Clanger would simply whistle “woo-woo-WOOOO?”, everyone would nod and the meeting would move on.

Brian said: “I don’t understand a word they’re saying.

“But that’s also true of Malcolm when he starts explaining the constitution.”

The proposal has proved particularly popular among ordinary members, who believe the Clangers could bring an end to decades of internal politics.

As none of them use WhatsApp, they would be unable to create a separate committee group specifically to discuss somebody who is already in the main committee group.

They would also be incapable of sending a 1,400-word email beginning “It is with a heavy heart…”

Margaret has raised concerns that the Clangers lack knowledge of theatre.

Supporters pointed out that Small Clanger has demonstrated more understanding of stage management than anyone currently involved, largely because he appears capable of picking something up and putting it where it belongs.

The Soup Dragon has also impressed members by providing refreshments without once complaining that nobody else ever helps.

A trial committee meeting is expected next month.

The existing committee will present the Clangers with several realistic scenarios, including a director exceeding their budget, two actors refusing to speak to each other and Mary threatening to resign because someone moved her chair.

If successful, the Clangers will formally take control at the AGM.

Malcolm said: “Some members are worried that replacing democratically elected volunteers with fictional creatures from a children’s television programme makes the society look ridiculous.

“But we’ve tried adults.”