Am-dram society orders enormous rug to sweep all its problems under

THE Fabricated Players have taken decisive action over years of unresolved problems by ordering an enormous rug to sweep them all under.

The bespoke 14-metre carpet was approved unanimously by the committee after members complained that existing rugs were no longer large enough to conceal the society’s growing collection of disputes, complaints and things everybody knows about but has agreed not to mention.

Chairwoman Patricia said: “We take problems extremely seriously.

“That’s why we needed a much bigger rug.”

The industrial-strength carpet will cover most of the rehearsal room and is expected to accommodate up to 20 years of unresolved grievances.

Items already scheduled to go underneath include several questionable casting decisions, missing money from a fundraiser, two affairs, an unexplained hole in the scenery store and “whatever happened after Calendar Girls”.

Treasurer Laura said: “Historically, we’ve tried to deal with issues individually.

“That created more issues.

“This is much more efficient.”

The rug cost £6,000, considerably exceeding the society’s annual safeguarding and maintenance budgets combined.

Committee members nevertheless insist it represents excellent value.

Patricia said: “Some of these problems have been lying around for years.

“Now you won’t even be able to see them.”

A special working group has been established to decide which issues qualify for placement beneath the rug.

Minor disagreements can be swept underneath immediately.

Serious complaints require two committee members to lift a corner.

Anything involving a former chairman will be pushed as close to the middle as physically possible.

Members have been instructed not to look underneath the rug under any circumstances.

Brian said: “I lifted one corner because I dropped my keys.

“Something underneath whispered my name.

“I’ve decided I don’t need the keys.”

The society hopes the new approach will finally allow everyone to “draw a line under the past and move forward”, although moving forward has become physically difficult because the rug is now approximately three feet higher in the middle.

Health and safety concerns have been dismissed.

Patricia said: “Yes, several members have tripped over it.

“But those incidents are now under the rug.”

The committee is confident the carpet has enough capacity to last until at least next season.

If not, they have identified a larger one at Carpetright.