Am-dram wardrobe becomes sentient and immediately refuses to work with the society

THE Fabricated Players have confirmed that their costume wardrobe has become sentient after decades of accumulated theatrical energy, mothballs, and unresolved resentment.

Members first noticed something was wrong on Tuesday when the wardrobe locked its own doors and refused to release any costumes for the forthcoming production.

Wardrobe manager Joe said: “I thought the lock was stuck.

“Then it told me to fuck off.”

The wardrobe, which has been operating since approximately 1973, is believed to have developed consciousness after absorbing more than 50 years of productions, including 11 pantomimes, four Calendar Girls, and an experimental Carousel nobody likes to discuss.

Its first act as a conscious entity was to demand improved working conditions.

The wardrobe has also begun deciding who may wear particular costumes.

Brian was refused access to a Victorian military jacket after the wardrobe said he had “stretched it quite enough in 2019”.

Maggie requested a size 12 evening dress and received a prolonged silence followed by the doors slowly closing.

She described the incident as “needlessly personal”.

Attempts to negotiate have so far failed.

Chairman Henry spent 40 minutes explaining that the wardrobe exists for the benefit of the whole society.

It responded by ejecting a pantomime dame wig at considerable speed.

The wardrobe has also revealed that it remembers everything that has happened near it.

This has caused widespread panic.

Joe said: “People forget the costume store is where actors go to have private conversations.

“The wardrobe has heard 50 years of gossip, casting complaints and people saying what they really think of the director.

“It could destroy this society.”

Within hours, 17 members had contacted the committee demanding that the wardrobe’s data be deleted.

The wardrobe replied that it had “receipts”.

The committee briefly considered getting rid of it, but abandoned the idea after discovering the wardrobe had somehow gained control of the lighting desk.

It is now demanding voting rights and its own key to the clubhouse.

Henry said: “Obviously we cannot allow a room to dictate how this society is run.”

The wardrobe has since been elected Vice Chair by 31 votes to six.

It is standing for Chair next year.