Blood Brothers lasts eight minutes after DNA test reveals twins immediately

THE Fabricated Players have been forced to dramatically shorten their modernised production of Blood Brothers after an Ancestry DNA test exposes its central secret before anyone has time to sing very much.

Director Paula introduced consumer DNA testing to make Willy Russell’s musical more relevant to contemporary audiences.

She said: “We asked what would genuinely happen if Mickey and Eddie were growing up today.

“Unfortunately, the answer is that the entire plot would collapse.”

The production begins normally, with Mrs Johnstone secretly giving one of her twin sons to Mrs Lyons.

Several years later, Eddie receives a DNA testing kit for Christmas.

By the end of Scene Two he has received a notification saying:

CLOSE FAMILY MATCH: MICKEY JOHNSTONE — 99.9%

Eddie immediately messages Mickey.

Mickey replies:

“wtf”

The two confront their mothers, who admit everything.

Paula said: “There’s no ambiguity.

“No superstition.

“No tragic decades-long secret.

“Just an email saying they’re twins.”

The Narrator attempts repeatedly to restore a sense of impending doom, but nobody listens because Mickey and Eddie are busy comparing their family trees.

Mrs Lyons initially denies the allegation before Eddie shows her the app.

The revelation prevents most of the second act from occurring.

Linda learns the truth.

Mickey receives appropriate support.

The families have several difficult but ultimately constructive conversations.

Nobody shoots anybody.

The final song has been replaced by Mrs Johnstone singing: “Well, that could have been considerably worse.”

Running time is now eight minutes, including interval.

The society has refused to reduce the £18 ticket price.

Paula said: “If anything, audiences are getting their evening back.

“That has value.”