Fabricated Players announce IKEA BILLY bookcase instructions as this year’s pantomime

THE Fabricated Players have announced that this year’s pantomime will be a lavish stage adaptation of the assembly instructions for an IKEA BILLY bookcase.

The society chose the Swedish flat-pack instructions after deciding traditional pantomimes such as Cinderella and Aladdin had become too predictable and contained insufficient information about wall fixings.

Director Margaret said: “The BILLY instructions have everything you want from a panto: heroes, villains, jeopardy, mysterious symbols and a bit where everyone realises they’ve put something on backwards.”

The production will remain faithful to the original 28-page text, including the complete absence of dialogue.

Instead, the cast will communicate through gestures, confused expressions and occasionally pointing at a diagram of two people carrying a bookcase.

Brian will take the leading role of Man Holding Allen Key, with Mary playing Woman Looking Concerned at Incorrectly Positioned Shelf.

Malcolm has been cast as Screw 100347, a role he described as “small but absolutely pivotal”.

The villain will be The Missing Dowel, who repeatedly appears to have vanished despite definitely being there five minutes ago.

Audiences will be encouraged to participate throughout.

When Brian attempts to attach panel 131372 to panel 131374 the wrong way round, children will be invited to shout:

“IT DOESN’T GO LIKE THAT!”

Brian will reply:

“OH YES IT DOES!”

Before discovering 40 minutes later that it did not.

The traditional pantomime dame has been replaced by an enormous anthropomorphic Allen key called Dame Hexadecimal, played by Margaret in a silver costume which has already injured two ensemble members.

The first act will climax with the installation of shelf four.

Act Two will open three hours later after everybody has had an argument.

Musical numbers include If I Had a Hammer, You Spin Me Round (Like a Cam Lock) and an emotional rendition of Fix You performed while Mary holds two leftover screws nobody can account for.

The society has promised spectacular scenery, with the entire production taking place inside a recreation of an IKEA showroom.

Audience members will therefore be forced to walk through Bedrooms, Kitchens and Home Organisation before reaching their seats.

The interval will last 45 minutes because everyone has somehow ended up in Lighting.

Producer Malcolm confirmed that the production has already gone over budget after the set-building team ignored the supplied instructions.

He said: “We’ve currently got something that looks broadly like a bookcase.

“It does lean quite significantly to the left, but we’re calling that choreography.”

The finale will see the completed BILLY raised triumphantly before the entire cast notices the safety instructions requiring it to be secured to the wall.

The audience will then be evacuated.