Jean Val-Jean to appeal sentence for bread theft

CONVICT Jean Val-Jean is to appeal his lengthy prison sentence after insisting the loaf he stole was ‘only a Hovis Best of Both’.

Val-Jean, who received five years in prison for stealing bread and a further 14 for repeatedly attempting to escape, claims the punishment was ‘wildly disproportionate given that it wasn’t even a nice sourdough’.

The former prisoner admitted taking the loaf to feed his starving sister’s family, but says the court failed to take into account that it was a medium-sliced Hovis Best of Both with several days left before its use-by date.

He said: “I accept that stealing bread is wrong. But 19 years?

“If it had been an artisan rye from a little place with exposed brickwork and a chalkboard menu, fair enough. This was £1.40 from Tesco.”

Inspector Javert has rejected the appeal, arguing that bread theft remains bread theft regardless of fibre content.

He said: “Today it is Best of Both. Tomorrow it is Warburtons Toastie. Before long society collapses and people are helping themselves to those little tiger rolls from Lidl.”

Legal experts believe Val-Jean may have grounds for appeal after discovering his original trial consisted largely of a magistrate shouting ‘THIEF!’ at him before going for lunch.

Val-Jean’s barrister is expected to argue that the sentence should be reduced to a £60 fine, six points on his Tesco Clubcard and a requirement to return the loaf.

However, Javert has vowed to pursue Val-Jean ‘to the ends of the earth’ and is currently hiding behind a lamppost outside his house. The Hovis loaf declined to comment, having gone slightly green.