Panto auditions introduce three-stage corporate interview process for Widow Twankey

THE Fabricated Players have introduced a rigorous three-stage recruitment process for the role of Widow Twankey after deciding that shouting “Hello boys and girls!” while wearing an enormous dress requires greater scrutiny.

Candidates for the society’s forthcoming pantomime must now complete an initial audition, a competency-based interview and a ten-minute PowerPoint presentation explaining why they are the right person to run a fictional laundry.

Director Angela said: “Widow Twankey is a senior position with considerable audience-facing responsibilities.

“We can’t just give it to Brian because he owns a pair of size 11 heels.”

Applicants begin by performing a prepared comic monologue before being invited to a formal interview with a three-person panel.

Questions include:

“Tell us about a time you successfully encouraged an audience to shout something they already knew.”

“Describe a situation where you had to work effectively with a man dressed as a cow.”

And:

“Where do you see Widow Twankey in five years?”

Candidate Malcolm said: “I said probably still running the laundry.

“They wrote something down.”

Applicants are also required to demonstrate their understanding of the society’s core competencies, including comic timing, resilience, stakeholder engagement and the ability to make a joke about bloomers work for the 400th consecutive year.

The final stage is a PowerPoint presentation entitled:

WHY ME? MY VISION FOR TWANKEY

Candidates are encouraged to include a SWOT analysis, five-year strategy and examples of how they would deliver measurable improvements in dame-related outcomes.

One applicant presented a 23-slide deck containing a proposed transformation programme called Twankey 2030.

Its objectives include increasing audience participation by 15 per cent, diversifying laundry revenue streams and delivering “sustainable, best-in-class innuendo”.

Angela said: “His stakeholder map was excellent.

“But I wasn’t convinced by his bloomers.”

Successful candidates must then provide two references and attend an occupational health assessment before receiving a conditional offer.

The role is unpaid.

Rehearsals are three nights a week for four months.

Malcolm said: “I’ve had less scrutiny applying for actual jobs.”

The society insists the new process will ensure the role goes to the strongest candidate.

Widow Twankey will be played by Brian.

He was unable to attend the interviews because he was on holiday.