Tempest staff ordered to speak only in Elizabethan English and iambic pentameter

THE Fabricated Players have announced that all staff working on their forthcoming production of The Tempest must speak exclusively in Elizabethan English and, wherever possible, iambic pentameter.

The new “total immersion” policy will apply not only to actors but also to technicians, front of house, bar staff, box office volunteers and anyone attempting to explain that the toilets are through the second door on the left.

Director Margaret said: “We don’t want the Shakespearean experience to stop when the actors leave the stage.

“From the moment audiences enter the building, they should feel transported back to the early 17th century.

“Which is why Brian is no longer allowed to say, ‘Card or cash?’”

Instead, bar staff have been issued with approved phrases including:

“What beverage wouldst thou have this night?”

and:

“Five pounds and fifty pence, thou stingy knave.”

Brian said the requirement to speak in iambic pentameter had made serving during the interval particularly difficult.

He said: “A pint of lager, is that what thou seeks?

“And wouldst thou also have some ready-salted?”

The interval has consequently been extended to 45 minutes.

Front-of-house volunteers are also struggling.

Mary said: “Someone asked me where Row F was and I panicked.

“I said, ‘Proceed thee hence beyond yon pillar, where thy numbered resting place awaits.’

“He just wanted seat 14.”

The technical crew have been warned that normal backstage communications are strictly forbidden.

Instead of shouting “Stand by lighting cue 17”, Malcolm must now announce:

“Prepare yon lanterns for their destined glow.”

Similarly, “Sound, go” has become:

“Unleash the tempest’s thunder on mine cue.”

During Tuesday’s rehearsal, this resulted in a nine-second delay while the sound operator tried to work out whether Malcolm was giving a cue or just being theatrical again.

Members caught using modern English will be fined 50p.

Mary already owes £14 after attempting to use the new card reader and shouting, “Why won’t the bloody thing connect to Wi-Fi?”

Audiences will also be encouraged to participate.

Anyone asking for an interval drink must order it in Elizabethan English, while complaints should begin with “Prithee” and end with an insult involving a goat.

Margaret believes the scheme will bring audiences closer to Shakespeare than ever before.

She said: “When somebody asks where the loos are and receives a 14-line verse about yon porcelain throne, they’ll understand exactly what we’re trying to achieve.”

The policy will remain in force throughout production week.

After the final performance, staff will immediately revert to modern English.

Brian said: “Thank f**k for that.”

He has been fined 50p.