The Fabricated Players - You couldn’t make it up. So we did.

THE Fabricated Players are urgently seeking an actor to play the stage directions in their latest production after the existing cast proved unable to follow them. Director Margaret Collins said the unusual casting decision became necessary after three weeks of rehearsals in which instructions such as crosses to the window, sits and exits left were repeatedly treated as optional suggestions. She said: “We tried explaining the stage directions. We tried demonstrating them. We h

THE Fabricated Players have confidently announced a completely original musical called Swooney after failing to secure the rights to Sweeney Todd and changing just enough details to feel comfortable about it. The society had spent three months planning Stephen Sondheim’s murderous musical before somebody remembered to ask whether they were actually allowed to perform it. Chairman Simon Cooper said: “Unfortunately the rights weren’t available, which initially seemed like a maj

THE Fabricated Players have announced plans to rival the immersive 4DX cinema experience using six members of the tech team, the ensemble and absolutely no specialist equipment. The society says its revolutionary new FPDX system will allow audiences to “feel every moment of the action” through moving seats, wind, water, smoke and other sensory effects recreated by whoever is not needed on stage at the time. Technical director Martin Cooper said: “We looked into proper motion-

A YEAR-LONG fundraising campaign to buy a new roof for the Fabricated Players has ended in confusion after a spelling mistake resulted in the society acquiring a new Ruth instead. The amateur dramatics group raised £14,000 through raffles, quiz nights, sponsored walks and repeatedly cornering audience members at the bar to fund urgent repairs to its leaking clubhouse roof. However, a typo on the original fundraising application listed the society’s objective as “A New Ruth fo

THE Fabricated Players have announced their next society outing will be a members-only trip to the Moon, with deposits required by Friday. The amateur dramatics group confirmed the lunar excursion following the success of previous social events including a theatre trip to London, a Christmas meal and the disastrous 2024 coach trip to Bath that nobody is permitted to mention. Social secretary Jenny Mills said: “We asked members where they fancied going this year and somebody j

THE Fabricated Players have announced a groundbreaking experimental production in which absolutely nothing happens and the audience is instead asked to imagine the best show they have ever seen. The new work, entitled Theatre of the Mind, will feature no actors, scenery, costumes, music, lighting effects or discernible theatrical activity of any kind. Instead, audiences will sit in an empty auditorium for two hours and mentally construct a lavish West End production considera

THE Fabricated Players have apologised after misunderstanding the concept of the Theatre of Cruelty and spending 60 minutes personally insulting members of the audience. The experimental production was intended to explore the theatrical ideas of Antonin Artaud, whose Theatre of Cruelty sought to assault the senses and confront audiences with intense physical and emotional experiences. Instead, the cast came on stage and called everyone ugly. Director Simon Jones said: “We’d r

THE Fabricated Players have delighted local theatre-goers by announcing their next production will be KFC: The Musical, an original theatrical spectacular celebrating chicken, ambition and 11 secret herbs and spices. The society says the show will tell the inspirational story of Colonel Sanders, from humble beginnings to becoming the world’s most recognisable elderly man associated with a bucket. Director Simon Clarke said: “It’s Hamilton meets Les Misérables meets a Boneless

AN AMATEUR dramatics casting panel has unveiled a range of innovative new techniques for concealing the fact that every leading role has gone to one of their friends. The Fabricated Players say their new “transparent and merit-based casting framework” will ensure every member has a completely equal opportunity to audition for parts that were privately allocated three weeks ago. Casting panel member Catherine Mills said: “It’s absolutely not about who you know. “It’s about sui

A LOCAL woman has spoken of her shock after winning an amateur dramatics society’s annual draw to decide who will be blamed for absolutely everything that goes wrong for the next 12 months. Fabricated Players member Sarah Mitchell was selected as the society’s official scapegoat on Tuesday evening, meaning she will now be held personally responsible for poor ticket sales, missing props, casting disputes, technical failures and any biscuits committee members do not particularl

THE Fabricated Players have confirmed they will once again host the prestigious Oliver Awards, amateur dramatics’ premier celebration of people who were available on the night. The awards are named after former treasurer Oliver Lawrence, who served the society with distinction until somebody finally looked at the accounts. Organisers say this year’s ceremony will recognise excellence both on stage and in the considerably more dramatic activity occurring behind it. A spokesper

VICTORIAN literary bad boy Oscar Wilde is to be renamed Oscar Tame after historians concluded his supposedly scandalous lifestyle would now barely sustain a moderately interesting Instagram account. Wilde, once notorious for his wit, flamboyant clothes, and general refusal to behave like a miserable 19th-century man, has been reassessed against modern standards and found to be ‘actually quite restrained’. Cultural historian Dr Helen Morris said: “Victorian society regarded Wi