The Fabricated Players - You couldn’t make it up. So we did.

THE Fabricated Players have announced that all staff working on their forthcoming production of The Tempest must speak exclusively in Elizabethan English and, wherever possible, iambic pentameter. The new “total immersion” policy will apply not only to actors but also to technicians, front of house, bar staff, box office volunteers and anyone attempting to explain that the toilets are through the second door on the left. Director Margaret said: “We don’t want the Shakespearea

THE Fabricated Players have solved their desperate search for a Demetrius in A Midsummer Night’s Dream by combining an AI-generated voice with a body double who possesses no discernible acting ability. The society had spent six weeks trying to cast the role before accepting that every man of approximately the right age was either unavailable, already playing Bottom or “doesn’t do Shakespeare”. Director Margaret said: “Eventually Brian suggested using artificial intelligence.

THE Fabricated Players have announced plans to turn forthcoming reductions to local bus services into a sweeping new musical about love, loss and discovering the last number 47 left nine minutes ago. The original production, No Service: The Musical, will tell the story of a small community torn apart when its previously hourly bus becomes “approximately every two hours, except Sundays, Wednesdays and whenever they don’t feel like it”. Director Margaret said: “Musical theatre

THE Fabricated Players have announced an exciting partnership with a local fishmonger to offer audiences a wider range of theatre snacks than crisps, Minstrels and a Cornetto somebody found underneath the other Cornettos. From next month, the society bar will serve a selection of fresh seafood supplied by local fishmonger Brian’s Plaice, all given theatrical names to make eating shellfish during a play seem somehow appropriate. Chairwoman Margaret said: “The modern theatre au

THE Fabricated Players have announced plans to raise desperately needed funds with a charity calendar in which members will pose completely clothed. Inspired by the long tradition of amateur groups raising money through nude calendars, the society decided there was now a significant untapped market for people willing to pay £12.99 to ensure absolutely nobody takes their clothes off. Chairwoman Margaret said: “Originally Mary suggested we do one of those tasteful naked calenda

TWO married amateur actors who inevitably began an affair after being cast opposite each other have reassured their respective partners that they are simply taking method acting extremely seriously. Fabricated Players members Jonathan and Claire became romantically involved six weeks after being cast as lovers in the society’s latest production, surprising absolutely nobody except Jonathan and Claire. Director Susan said: “The chemistry was obvious from the first rehearsal. “

THE Fabricated Players have confirmed that due to budget constraints the clubhouse heating will this winter be provided by members rubbing their hands together and going “haaaaaa” into the room. The new system, known as People-Powered Central Heating, was approved after treasurer Malcolm revealed that turning the actual boiler on would require “the sort of money we normally reserve for shows nobody comes to see”. Chairwoman Margaret said: “Obviously we take member comfort ext

THE Fabricated Players have announced that this year’s pantomime will be a lavish stage adaptation of the assembly instructions for an IKEA BILLY bookcase. The society chose the Swedish flat-pack instructions after deciding traditional pantomimes such as Cinderella and Aladdin had become too predictable and contained insufficient information about wall fixings. Director Margaret said: “The BILLY instructions have everything you want from a panto: heroes, villains, jeopardy, m

THE Fabricated Players are considering replacing their entire committee with the Clangers after concluding that a group of knitted space mice communicating entirely through whistles would provide clearer leadership. The proposal was raised following the society’s latest committee meeting, which lasted three hours and ended without anyone establishing whether they had agreed to buy a new kettle. Chairman Malcolm said: “People might question whether the Clangers have the necess

THE Fabricated Players are urgently seeking an actor to play the stage directions in their latest production after the existing cast proved unable to follow them. Director Margaret Collins said the unusual casting decision became necessary after three weeks of rehearsals in which instructions such as crosses to the window, sits and exits left were repeatedly treated as optional suggestions. She said: “We tried explaining the stage directions. We tried demonstrating them. We h

THE Fabricated Players have confidently announced a completely original musical called Swooney after failing to secure the rights to Sweeney Todd and changing just enough details to feel comfortable about it. The society had spent three months planning Stephen Sondheim’s murderous musical before somebody remembered to ask whether they were actually allowed to perform it. Chairman Simon Cooper said: “Unfortunately the rights weren’t available, which initially seemed like a maj

THE Fabricated Players have announced plans to rival the immersive 4DX cinema experience using six members of the tech team, the ensemble and absolutely no specialist equipment. The society says its revolutionary new FPDX system will allow audiences to “feel every moment of the action” through moving seats, wind, water, smoke and other sensory effects recreated by whoever is not needed on stage at the time. Technical director Martin Cooper said: “We looked into proper motion-