The Fabricated Players - You couldn’t make it up. So we did.

THE cast of the Fabricated Players’ latest production remain trapped in a dramatic freeze-frame three days after the director forgot to tell them they could move again. The incident occurred during Sunday’s rehearsal when director Melissa asked the company to freeze at the climax of an ensemble sequence so she could examine the stage picture. She then went home. Cast member Derek has now been pointing accusingly at Leanne for approximately 72 hours. Stage manager Pauline said

THE Fabricated Players have confirmed that their costume wardrobe has become sentient after decades of accumulated theatrical energy, mothballs, and unresolved resentment. Members first noticed something was wrong on Tuesday when the wardrobe locked its own doors and refused to release any costumes for the forthcoming production. Wardrobe manager Joe said: “I thought the lock was stuck. “Then it told me to fuck off.” The wardrobe, which has been operating since approximately

THE Fabricated Players have unveiled the centrepiece of their new environmental strategy after spending £1,800 repainting the Green Room a significantly greener shade of green. The project forms part of the society’s ambitious commitment to become “the greenest amateur theatre in the county” by 2030, a phrase the committee has interpreted almost entirely literally. Environmental officer Barbara said: “The Green Room was technically green before, but if we’re being completely

THE Fabricated Players have introduced a new conduct policy forbidding members from thinking anything negative about the committee, including privately and while asleep. The updated rules were approved unanimously after committee members concluded that existing restrictions on criticism did not go far enough because members could technically continue disagreeing with them inside their own heads. Chair Darren said: “We’ve worked very hard to create a positive culture. “Unfortu

A PRODUCTION of The Crucible by the Fabricated Players has descended into an actual witch hunt after cast members became slightly too immersed in the material. Problems began during rehearsals when director Denise encouraged the company to research the Salem witch trials and “really inhabit the atmosphere of suspicion and paranoia”. Within three days, 14 members had been accused of witchcraft. Denise said: “I wanted them to understand what happens when fear overwhelms reason

THE Fabricated Players have announced an ambitious production of The Lion King featuring actual lions after deciding costumes would “look a bit amateur”. The society says the decision to cast six fully grown African lions will bring an unprecedented level of realism to the local stage, while also reducing the costume budget by almost £400. Director Colin Clarke said: “We watched the West End production and the puppetry is obviously incredible. “But ultimately you’re still loo

THE Fabricated Players have clarified that discussing something appalling a member has done is considerably worse than the original appalling thing. The ruling follows an incident in which member Lauren told several people that another member, Colin, had behaved disgracefully at a society event. Committee members immediately condemned Lauren for “creating negativity”, while agreeing that what Colin actually did was “obviously not ideal”. Chairwoman Patricia said: “Nobody is d

THE Fabricated Players have taken decisive action over years of unresolved problems by ordering an enormous rug to sweep them all under. The bespoke 14-metre carpet was approved unanimously by the committee after members complained that existing rugs were no longer large enough to conceal the society’s growing collection of disputes, complaints and things everybody knows about but has agreed not to mention. Chairwoman Patricia said: “We take problems extremely seriously. “Tha

THE Fabricated Players have launched an internal review after discovering their treasurer for the past three years is actually a loaf of bread. The revelation came during Tuesday’s committee meeting when chairwoman Susan asked treasurer Malcolm for an update on the society’s finances and, for the 37th consecutive meeting, received no response. Susan said: “We’d always assumed Malcolm was quiet. “Then Mary pointed out he was a Hovis.” The loaf, believed to be medium-sliced who

THE Fabricated Players have become Britain’s first carbon-neutral amateur dramatics society after pledging to plant a tree every time somebody gives one of their productions a bad review. The environmental initiative was expected to result in around six new trees a year but has instead created a 14-acre forest behind the clubhouse. Chairwoman Margaret said: “We wanted to acknowledge theatre’s environmental impact. “There’s scenery, costumes, lighting and Brian driving three m

THE Fabricated Players have launched an emergency fundraising appeal for urgent building repairs after another theatrical misunderstanding resulted in Brian physically breaking the fourth wall. The incident occurred during rehearsals for the society’s latest production when director Margaret asked the cast to experiment with “breaking the fourth wall” and directly engaging with the audience. Brian, still relatively new to theatrical terminology, disappeared backstage and retu

THE Fabricated Players have announced an educational members’ trip to Ancient Rome to help the cast prepare for their forthcoming production of Julius Caesar. The society says the weekend excursion to 44 BC will give members an invaluable opportunity to experience Roman life first-hand, research the play and potentially warn Caesar about the whole stabbing thing if there is time. Director Margaret said: “You can read books, watch documentaries and look things up online, but n