The Fabricated Players - You couldn’t make it up. So we did.

THE Fabricated Players have launched an urgent marketing campaign warning audiences that tickets for their latest production are “SELLING FAST”, following the sale of 11 seats in just under three weeks. The society added the warning to all publicity materials on Tuesday after the box office confirmed that almost four per cent of available tickets had now been purchased. Publicity officer Donna said: “We don’t want people assuming they can leave it until the last minute. “At t

THE Fabricated Players committee has responded to members’ requests to trial some new shows by introducing a system of show trials for dealing with complaints. Members had originally suggested the society could experiment with less familiar productions before committing them to the main season. Chair Barbara said: “People kept saying they wanted us to trial new shows. “So we listened.” The misunderstanding became apparent when members arrived expecting a rehearsed reading of

THE Fabricated Players have replaced Professor Henry Higgins with a £6.99-a-month voice-coaching app in their contemporary production of My Fair Lady. Director Sandra said the change was necessary because modern audiences would struggle to believe Eliza Doolittle needed to move into a strange man’s house for six months simply to change how she pronounced vowels. She said: “We looked at the original story and thought: surely there’s an app for this now. “There was.” In the new

THE cast of the Fabricated Players’ latest production remain trapped in a dramatic freeze-frame three days after the director forgot to tell them they could move again. The incident occurred during Sunday’s rehearsal when director Melissa asked the company to freeze at the climax of an ensemble sequence so she could examine the stage picture. She then went home. Cast member Derek has now been pointing accusingly at Leanne for approximately 72 hours. Stage manager Pauline said

THE Fabricated Players have confirmed that their costume wardrobe has become sentient after decades of accumulated theatrical energy, mothballs, and unresolved resentment. Members first noticed something was wrong on Tuesday when the wardrobe locked its own doors and refused to release any costumes for the forthcoming production. Wardrobe manager Joe said: “I thought the lock was stuck. “Then it told me to fuck off.” The wardrobe, which has been operating since approximately

THE Fabricated Players have unveiled the centrepiece of their new environmental strategy after spending £1,800 repainting the Green Room a significantly greener shade of green. The project forms part of the society’s ambitious commitment to become “the greenest amateur theatre in the county” by 2030, a phrase the committee has interpreted almost entirely literally. Environmental officer Barbara said: “The Green Room was technically green before, but if we’re being completely

THE Fabricated Players have introduced a new conduct policy forbidding members from thinking anything negative about the committee, including privately and while asleep. The updated rules were approved unanimously after committee members concluded that existing restrictions on criticism did not go far enough because members could technically continue disagreeing with them inside their own heads. Chair Darren said: “We’ve worked very hard to create a positive culture. “Unfortu

A PRODUCTION of The Crucible by the Fabricated Players has descended into an actual witch hunt after cast members became slightly too immersed in the material. Problems began during rehearsals when director Denise encouraged the company to research the Salem witch trials and “really inhabit the atmosphere of suspicion and paranoia”. Within three days, 14 members had been accused of witchcraft. Denise said: “I wanted them to understand what happens when fear overwhelms reason

THE Fabricated Players have announced an ambitious production of The Lion King featuring actual lions after deciding costumes would “look a bit amateur”. The society says the decision to cast six fully grown African lions will bring an unprecedented level of realism to the local stage, while also reducing the costume budget by almost £400. Director Colin Clarke said: “We watched the West End production and the puppetry is obviously incredible. “But ultimately you’re still loo

THE Fabricated Players have clarified that discussing something appalling a member has done is considerably worse than the original appalling thing. The ruling follows an incident in which member Lauren told several people that another member, Colin, had behaved disgracefully at a society event. Committee members immediately condemned Lauren for “creating negativity”, while agreeing that what Colin actually did was “obviously not ideal”. Chairwoman Patricia said: “Nobody is d

THE Fabricated Players have taken decisive action over years of unresolved problems by ordering an enormous rug to sweep them all under. The bespoke 14-metre carpet was approved unanimously by the committee after members complained that existing rugs were no longer large enough to conceal the society’s growing collection of disputes, complaints and things everybody knows about but has agreed not to mention. Chairwoman Patricia said: “We take problems extremely seriously. “Tha

THE Fabricated Players have launched an internal review after discovering their treasurer for the past three years is actually a loaf of bread. The revelation came during Tuesday’s committee meeting when chairwoman Susan asked treasurer Malcolm for an update on the society’s finances and, for the 37th consecutive meeting, received no response. Susan said: “We’d always assumed Malcolm was quiet. “Then Mary pointed out he was a Hovis.” The loaf, believed to be medium-sliced who